Pregnancy After Loss

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write what’s on my heart. As we are preparing for an upcoming event called Made Known: A Community Gathering For Pregnancy and Infant Loss, it’s hard to describe the sea of emotions I’ve been feeling. Forgive me if this post has no logical order or sequence…sometimes pouring out your heart doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s healing nonetheless.

We just passed the due date of our second baby and as I sit here and think about all of that, I’m somehow blessed to be carrying our third baby. The world will see this baby girl as our second child, and that’s okay. But I will forever remember the short time I spent carrying our actual second child. Nothing can really prepare you for that type of loss. It’s one of those things you only imagine happening to somebody else. “That’ll never happen to me…” “My family doesn’t have a history of loss, so I can’t imagine me being the first…”

As soon as you find out you’re pregnant, your Momma-heart grows and dreams about all that baby will be. You start wondering what he or she will look like, sound like, what they’ll grow up to become. Will he or she have their Daddy’s cute nose and Momma’s blue eyes? I wonder if they’ll be athletic or more clumsy like our first born?

There’s an unspeakable joy when you and your spouse find out you’re expecting.

Then, one day, something goes terribly wrong. I think one of the hardest things about experiencing our loss was the two separate times we saw that little heart beating on the screen. That baby was alive, but somehow, he just didn’t make it. I say “he” because we felt like that sweet pea was a boy and it was comforting for us to refer to him as one. It made his short little life more real for our family. It makes when our precious little girl talks about him being up in Heaven more real, too.

When you find out you’re pregnant after experiencing loss, there’s no real way to describe the joy, fear, anxiety, or awe that comes along with it. You’re a little more apprehensive every time you use the restroom, or feel a tinge of pain in your abdomen. You’re a little more hesitant to talk about it so openly knowing what could potentially happen again. You’re a little more scared to allow yourself reckless love towards this new life. But, if you’re pregnant after a loss like me, I just want to encourage you to love like there’s no tomorrow; it’s okay to love so hard it hurts. And sweet friend, it’s okay to allow yourself peace and joy yet still be able to shed tears about what you’ve lost.

When you experience a pregnancy loss, at least for me, the emotions still come in waves. You can’t predict them and you can’t control them. As I prepared a video to be shown this morning at church, I watched it multiple times…edited the clips…showed it to the staff. My heart pounded as I listened to the women, but I don’t remember crying last week. But guess what? As it was shown today in church, the tears flowed. And, that. is. okay. Somedays it hits harder than others. Sometimes it’s really difficult to be vulnerable and share those deep, intimate wounds. Despite the pain and the tears that will flow on May 12, I do know, without a doubt, that the Ultimate Healer will be present and He is always willing to catch every tear shed.

I’m so thankful that when our little baby opened his eyes, the first thing He saw was the face of Jesus. Until I get to meet our second baby face to face, I’ll trust that God has this whole thing under control and I will continue to praise Him for this new life as we prepare for “Baby Number 2.”

We’re in this together.
-Taylor.

**If you have experienced infant or pregnancy loss, I want to personally invite you to Made Known on May 12 at Charley Creek Gardens in Wabash, Indiana. Made Known is an event created to acknowledge the babies in our community who were MADE by God, KNOWN by their parents and will be MADE KNOWN through remembering and honoring their short, but significant lives.**

TO RSVP TO THE EVENT, CLICK HERE: https://bachelorcreek.typeform.com/to/gLhY1n