Life can be brutal. It’s a fact. There are many difficult circumstances that have radically changed our lives and even completely changed who we are. Personally, I have faced many of these circumstances as you might have as well, and I’d love to share some of my story with you all.

In my younger teen years, my older and only sister was diagnosed with Leukemia. This took our family completely by surprise, and our lives were forever changed. Although she is completely healthy now (praise God!), each one of us has become a new person out of this journey, and it was hard see how anyone could relate to us even those with similar stories. We had a wonderful church that supported us through it all, but it was still difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when we were all struggling to get through each and every day. People always said, “Trust in God!” or, “You’re not alone. God is with you through it all!” But honestly, there were times when that was the hardest idea to believe and accept even though it should have been our most comforting one.

Now, my story has continued to change and mold me. As I have written in my previous blog post and for those who already know, I have been struggling greatly with depression, anxiety, and more mental health issues that I’d rather not mention at this time (thank you for your understanding). For a person who is naturally outgoing, optimistic, and loving, this was really hard for me to accept and deal with. I felt as if the real Emily no longer existed in times. Days were hard to get through. School felt impossible to go to even though school was my favorite. I struggled to spend time with friends and be “happy.” Through it all, I felt very guilty for feeling this way and did not understand why God would want me when I kept clinging to my doubts, feelings, and Satan himself. I was utterly ashamed and felt like I was alone. God did not want me right? Why would God want to be with someone who struggles in faith on a day to day basis? How was I supposed to trust in God while feeling this way? God wouldn’t even want me to trust in Him. He’s perfect and can’t relate to me. Where is God? I had convinced myself that I was alone and that God did not truly know or care for me. This was even more so my destruction.

A while ago, I had come across the beautiful Psalms 42, and it had just recently came to mind once again. In this passage, the author is crying out to God in pain struggling to stay alive in life. I felt as if the out cry of this psalm was also my outcry in life. This psalm says,

“As a deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God…. Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, ‘Where is this God of yours?’ My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be…. Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God…. ‘O God my rock,’ I cry, ‘Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around grief, oppressed by my enemies?’ Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, ‘Where is this God of yours?’ Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!”

This is only a few pieces here and there of this psalm (I highly recommend you check it out fully for yourself!). Even though I felt as if I completely related to this psalm, there was one difference: I believed the lies of the enemy and did not hold on to the truth of God. I believed that God did not understand me, that He did not want me, that I was broken and truly alone. Satan took advantage of my brokenness by telling me, “Where is your God? He’s not here. He can’t help you; you’re too broken.” Have you ever believed this? I know I surely did. But the real truth is is that God walks with me; He knows my suffering more than I feel it myself. He feels every single ounce of sorrow and despair I feel that I thought no one understood. It isn’t some hunkydory fairytale where I get sad and then God and I frolic through fields of flowers until I feel better. No. This isn’t the truth. The truth is real and raw and unpleasant. In other words, it ain’t pretty! God is suffering with me and He suffers with you too. This is the last string of hope we have in our helplessness. Instead of feeling unworthy and alone, be comforted in the fact that God is not only walking beside you, but He is also braving the storm with and within you.

In Isaiah 63:9 it says, “In all of their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years.”

Even if we have the smallest of hope in our Father, that’s all it takes for Him to carry us through the worst times of our lives. He knows you. He feels what you feel. And most of all, the most powerful force that has ever existed is within you.

I hope and pray that God will make himself evident in your life and whatever season you are in. Please never forget, my dear sister, that you are seriously not alone.

In His Love,
Emily<3
His power is made perfect in my weakness.

As I rolled out of bed this morning, already late (curse that dang snooze button), I began my day already in a sad and depressive mood. I worried that it would be another day that I had to battle my depression and anxiety yet again. Even though I was once excited to go to chapel this morning, I struggled to find pleasure in one of the places that I feel close to God. Despite this, I knew the one way to conquer my feelings was to continue to worship through the pain, which I did.

As I continued in my typical Tuesday, God sent little blessings here and there, such as my friends, to cheer me up for a moment, then to go back into my spiraling, thought tornado that plagued my mind. I kept thinking about how tired I was of fighting these wars everyday in my head and continually losing or coming out weaker. I asked God throughout the day, “Why am I feeling this pain? Why can’t I be my normal self? Why do I hurt all of the time? Is there a purpose to my pain?” I felt no response from him for most of the day until I was driving to my dreaded therapy session for the week.

God spoke to me. He reminded me of a chapel I had attended just two weeks ago called “The Breakthrough.” The speaker was a very goofy, God fearing man named Terry Blackford, one of Anderson University’s very own. He brought up the life of a monarch butterfly. He said that this butterfly was the only butterfly that would migrate over 30,000 miles to get to its destination. Can you imagine? Being that small and yet strong enough to travel that far? In order for that butterfly to get THAT strong it had a long journey to get there. You see, the monarch butterfly had to struggle, endure pain, hardships, and face the worst times of its life in order to finally breakthrough its cocoon and be strong enough to fly those long miles. He said we all have our own cocoons in life, and we have three options.

1. We fight and give up, stuck in our cocoon. This leads to death and even more hardship than we have ever faced before.

2. We could cry out for help. Someone could cut us out and “save” us too early before we are truly ready. This causes us to be extraordinarily weak an unable to withstand the hardships of life leading ultimately to death.

3. Finally we can fight, and I mean fight hard, relying on God to be with us in our suffering, eventually leading to our own breakthrough. It is in this that God uses us and prepares us for. To save lives, nations, and even the world.

In the passage Hebrews 11:22 it talks about Joseph’s story and his faith. You see, Joseph’s brothers plotted to kill him, sold him into slavery, and was thrown into a horrendous prison for many years. But it was in this time that God was with Joseph, suffering with him and helping to mold who he came to be. God opened doors for Jospeh to be the Pharaoh’s second hand man, but this wasn’t his breakthrough yet. It was when God used Joseph’s gifts to save not only the people he helped rule over but the many other nations including his very own family’s nation. This was the breakthrough.

After all this pain and suffering that we face on a day to day basis is all apart of Gods plan for our lives and our very own breakthrough; God will use us for far more greater things than we can comprehend, but we must first fight and get stronger relying on God through it all. This isn’t about some cliche saying, “ What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” NO! This is far more deeper and complex than that. It’s not just the breakthrough we are looking at. It’s the journey that got us there in the first place!

And as I was sitting in my car, ready to let the tears of sadness overflow, I was reminded that my pain isn’t for nothing. It has purpose. It is molding me. It is drawing me near to God. And ultimately it is leading me to my own breakthrough. I hope and pray that you remember that God is Good, and he is leading YOU to your very own breakthrough.

Always remember that His power is made perfect in my weakness.

in His love,

Emily ❤