Life can be brutal. It’s a fact. There are many difficult circumstances that have radically changed our lives and even completely changed who we are. Personally, I have faced many of these circumstances as you might have as well, and I’d love to share some of my story with you all.
In my younger teen years, my older and only sister was diagnosed with Leukemia. This took our family completely by surprise, and our lives were forever changed. Although she is completely healthy now (praise God!), each one of us has become a new person out of this journey, and it was hard see how anyone could relate to us even those with similar stories. We had a wonderful church that supported us through it all, but it was still difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when we were all struggling to get through each and every day. People always said, “Trust in God!” or, “You’re not alone. God is with you through it all!” But honestly, there were times when that was the hardest idea to believe and accept even though it should have been our most comforting one.
Now, my story has continued to change and mold me. As I have written in my previous blog post and for those who already know, I have been struggling greatly with depression, anxiety, and more mental health issues that I’d rather not mention at this time (thank you for your understanding). For a person who is naturally outgoing, optimistic, and loving, this was really hard for me to accept and deal with. I felt as if the real Emily no longer existed in times. Days were hard to get through. School felt impossible to go to even though school was my favorite. I struggled to spend time with friends and be “happy.” Through it all, I felt very guilty for feeling this way and did not understand why God would want me when I kept clinging to my doubts, feelings, and Satan himself. I was utterly ashamed and felt like I was alone. God did not want me right? Why would God want to be with someone who struggles in faith on a day to day basis? How was I supposed to trust in God while feeling this way? God wouldn’t even want me to trust in Him. He’s perfect and can’t relate to me. Where is God? I had convinced myself that I was alone and that God did not truly know or care for me. This was even more so my destruction.
A while ago, I had come across the beautiful Psalms 42, and it had just recently came to mind once again. In this passage, the author is crying out to God in pain struggling to stay alive in life. I felt as if the out cry of this psalm was also my outcry in life. This psalm says,
“As a deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God…. Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, ‘Where is this God of yours?’ My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be…. Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God…. ‘O God my rock,’ I cry, ‘Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around grief, oppressed by my enemies?’ Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, ‘Where is this God of yours?’ Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!”
This is only a few pieces here and there of this psalm (I highly recommend you check it out fully for yourself!). Even though I felt as if I completely related to this psalm, there was one difference: I believed the lies of the enemy and did not hold on to the truth of God. I believed that God did not understand me, that He did not want me, that I was broken and truly alone. Satan took advantage of my brokenness by telling me, “Where is your God? He’s not here. He can’t help you; you’re too broken.” Have you ever believed this? I know I surely did. But the real truth is is that God walks with me; He knows my suffering more than I feel it myself. He feels every single ounce of sorrow and despair I feel that I thought no one understood. It isn’t some hunkydory fairytale where I get sad and then God and I frolic through fields of flowers until I feel better. No. This isn’t the truth. The truth is real and raw and unpleasant. In other words, it ain’t pretty! God is suffering with me and He suffers with you too. This is the last string of hope we have in our helplessness. Instead of feeling unworthy and alone, be comforted in the fact that God is not only walking beside you, but He is also braving the storm with and within you.
In Isaiah 63:9 it says, “In all of their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years.”
Even if we have the smallest of hope in our Father, that’s all it takes for Him to carry us through the worst times of our lives. He knows you. He feels what you feel. And most of all, the most powerful force that has ever existed is within you.
I hope and pray that God will make himself evident in your life and whatever season you are in. Please never forget, my dear sister, that you are seriously not alone.
In His Love,
Emily<3
His power is made perfect in my weakness.
Diaries of Grace 
❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLike